Getting Back On the Horse – or Whitehorses In This Case!

Getting Back On the Horse – or Whitehorses In This Case!

In 2017 I sailed across the Atlantic Ocean on a 48 foot yacht with 4 men. We hit a squall half way across and had to cut the sail off as it had twisted, hit the water and started filling, pulling the boat over with it. I have never been more terrified in my entire life.  

I have not been on a boat since I stepped off of that one in May 2018. So when my father invited me on the QM2 to sail from Southampton to New York, I was hesitant. I engaged in months of self development work, using every tool I could think of including a huge somatic release bit from childhood. 

By the time the trip arrived I thought I was ready. Dad assured me it was a HUGE ship and not a small sailboat, that I wouldn’t even feel it moving.  

Except that, we were crossing in the wake of a hurricane and for the first four days we had 6 meter waves! I did indeed feel the boat moving! Everyone did. It was rocking back and forth like crazy and smashing up and down. Many people were sea sick. My seasickness luckily, was just emotional.

As a therapist I find any “trauma” fascinating even if it is my own. I knew the boat would likely not sink, and that my fear was irrational, yet, there it was. For me it comes down to feeling trapped and out of control.  A default program in my child psyche, that for the most part doesn’t affect my day to day life because of all the work I’ve done. But trapped on a boat I had no way off for a week while the seas were having a rave? No.

Was I facing my fear? No, I was thrown into it. Luckily we were on a writer’s course on board which was excellent and filled my mind with more proactive things to think about. I was sharing a cabin with my 90 year old father and I had many concerns for his well being, especially when the ship was bouncing about.

Some people enjoyed it! Different perspectives can change an experience. The moment it calmed even slightly, I went out on the deck to breathe in the air, move my body and try to leave my worries behind.  I did go on our balcony daily getting wet feet and salty in the process.  

Once the sea calmed down considerably, I could appreciate the blissfulness of “being at sea”, the sky, the teal waves, the wind in my hair.  The moon and sunset painting the sky and stars, stars, stars. 

It was fun to dress up in ballgowns on a boat! A very strange concept in my mind, but there we were in all our finery glamming it up together. I even danced in the ballroom a few times which is also unnerving in a rocking ship! 

We arrived in New York yesterday and I was so looking forward to solid ground, yet a day later, the Earth is still rocking! I call it ‘having the wavy gravies.’ Once I experienced it for 3 days! It’s awful. I still feel like I’m on a rocking boat. Something to do with the vestibular system, I had to look it up.

Will I ever do another Ocean Crossing? No. But has it put me off from EVER getting on another boat for something like a river cruise or sailing along the land so getting off is always a possibility? No! Before this trip I never intended to step foot on another boat ever. Although it was challenging, to say the least, I have re-framed the experience.

My best take away was the incredibly amazing writer’s course where I had many lightbulb moments and learned so much. I feel inspired to create and write again which I haven’t felt for many years. And the precious, blessed, often hilarious time I spent with my father, I wouldn’t change for anything.

Also, my extremely supportive family were communicating with me daily on what’s app which helped immensely. I found it funny that HAMILTON (my kids surname) was plastered all over the ship, as it was registered in Hamilton, Bermuda, so I felt they were with me all the way.

Finally the fantastic people I met and connected with in our group. I feel I’ve made new life friends, and you’ll be seeing some of them in my upcoming Beyond Birth Trauma – From Burden to Brilliance shows as they will be my new guests! 

Life isn’t always smooth sailing all the way as much as we may work for that outcome, but it’s about finding a way to sail through the storms without being eaten alive by the monster under the bed that is only in your head!

I am once again available for consultation book a call: https://bit.ly/SOMindshift