Feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and invisibility often lurk beneath the surface, masked by our busy lives or numbed by distractions. But unless we shine a light on these emotions, they can silently shape our reality.
So where do these feelings come from? The consistent messages we receive—both spoken and unspoken—from our parents and other authority figures in our childhood, shape our self-perception.
Whether it’s a parent’s critical comment, a moment of feeling overlooked, or societal expectations, these early experiences can create default programs that influence us well into adulthood.
Dr. Claire Zammit of Women’s Center Coaching highlights three common patterns, especially prevalent among women:
These feelings often manifest differently for each person. For some, it might be low self-esteem or people-pleasing tendencies. For others, it could show up as indecisiveness or an overwhelming fear of rejection.
What’s fascinating is how these patterns can lie dormant until triggered by life events—turning 40, for example, or facing a major life change, or even something as simple as a fleeting memory coming to the surface with a whole new level of perception.
Understanding the root of these feelings is the first step. But what’s equally important is recognizing how they manifest in our lives.
There could be one experience that happens in your young life, and it impacts you, deeply. It could be the silliest thing, like if you’re a young girl, and you’re always out there in the streets playing with the boys, until one day you show up with a bra on.
How does that get accepted or responded to? Something that may seem so benign, can have a lifelong impact on body image, for example, and we just don’t take the time to really look back at that.
Imagine the little girl, (or remember being her!) maybe she’s 11 or 12. She’s got her first trainer bra on and feeling really excited, right? Maybe she has friends who are further developed, and all you want is boobs when you’re 11, right?
But then, it changes your reality, and you might get teased, you might get bullied, or suddenly maybe you are really looking like a woman, and men start to look at you differently. And that’s strange, because you’re still a child!
So you’ve got all sorts of mixed messages coming in, and in terms of invisibility, one of the responses to being invisible is that we make ourselves disappear. Later, drugs and alcohol, might come into play for “numbing out” because it’s too painful to be in touch with our actual feelings.
That little girl wearing the bra for the first time, maybe her true feelings are like, “Oh, look at me. I’m so proud. I’ve got a bra on!” But then suddenly she’s being bullied and she’s feeling terrified and doesn’t want to be seen, and so she’s going to make herself super small. Maybe she’s going to ditch the bra and never wear one. Depending on the surrounding atmosphere about this subject, how her parents respond, do they take it seriously? Do they think it’s funny? How her friends respond, it could cause her to become a raging feminist down the line. Or simply not embrace her femininity. And zoom out, how is tat going to affect the rest of her life in other areas?
The journey to healing often requires support. Sometimes, we need someone to hold up a mirror and help us see what we’ve been avoiding. I guide people to unravel the layers, connect the dots, and find clarity amidst the chaos.
On the 25th of February, this show Beyond Birth Trauma – From Burden to Brilliance is becoming my own show, and it’s going to air for an hour instead of a half an hour. I’ll be taking over Dr Pat’s role and start interviewing amazing guests. I have a handful of them lined up already, but I’m very excited about the next phase.
My first guest is Dr. Helen Orombi, a transformational coach and guide dedicated to helping conscious, self-actualizing women—creatives, changemakers, and visionaries—break free from survival-based patterns of fear, unworthiness, and self-doubt.
She’s been a colleague and she’s got so much wisdom to share. We’re going to be talking about ancestral imprints, because she comes from Uganda, and culturally has a whole different viewpoint on it.
I will continue to create a space for deep, transformative conversations that you can watch live or on replay. Each show will end with a healing session—whether it’s a guided practice from my guest or a powerful download from me to help rewire those neural pathways.
And if you think you have an amazing birth story that could help others heal, I would love to hear from you! Maybe you’d love to be a guest on my show? Book a call with me!
Life’s journey is filled with moments that challenge us, but it’s also filled with opportunities for growth and healing. Whether you’re struggling with feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, or invisibility, know that you’re not alone. Reach out, seek support, and remember that transformation is always possible.
© All Rights Reserved Shannon O'Flaherty 2023
