One of the ways that we keep ourselves small is by not communicating effectively or specifically. We don’t say exactly what we mean, instead intimating or insinuating.
How do we expect to be received the way we want to be received if we can’t speak our actual truth?
When my son was a teenager, permanently attached to the couch, one evening when we were watching tv, I got up to go into the kitchen and he said, “Hey, Mum, are you going to make yourself a cup of tea?”
I turned to him and I said, “Yes….” He asked, “Would you like to make me a cup of tea while you’re in there?”
I started laughing and I asked, “How long have you been waiting for me to get up off the couch so that I could make tea instead of you?”
He started to laugh, “Probably about half an hour!”
Instead of simply asking, “Hey, Mum, [I’m a lazy teenager] would you mind making me a cup of tea?” or indeed getting up to do it himself, he waited until I was up and then twisted the request.
That’s like asking somebody if they want to do something when really it’s your request for yourself, you’re giving up your power there.
Recently, I was watching another episode of Friends which is a wonderful timeless sitcom. Monica and Ross, brother and sister, are having a sibling spat, and finally, they make up and he says, “Okay, you can watch Entertainment Tonight if that’s what you really want to do. I can record my documentary.” “Aww thanks Ross….” So they start to watch her show. Then she’s sitting there thinking, “Well, okay, Ross, if you really want to watch your documentary, we can watch that instead.” And he says, “Oh, great thanks!” and changes the channel. We see Monica getting really annoyed, because she’s trying to be nice, but she’s not speaking her truth. Her truth was that she wanted to watch what she wanted to watch.
Now, these are just tiny examples of things that happen all the time. Or when you ask somebody a direct question, ‘where would you like to go for dinner tonight?’ ‘Oh, I don’t mind’ and then you suggest someplace and they’re not happy with it.
So why can’t you just ask for what you want, instead of giving up your power to someone else to make a choice for you, that may not be the right choice for you?
This is part of how we keep ourselves small. We don’t trust our ability to express our opinion of how we feel.
“This is what I’d like to do.” Maybe not everybody is going to agree with you. But why not express your truth in the first place?
And be specific. I have a friend who had long beautiful pieces of natural wood. She wanted to have shelves made and she asked them to be cut in half. Now, she was thinking long, narrow shelves, but she didn’t say long, narrow shelves. So they cut them in half, horizontally. So she got shorter, wider shelves and she was really disappointed with that. I asked her if she had expressed exactly how she wanted them cut.
Attention to the detail in our own mind is important so that we can have others receive us the way that we want to be received and so that our expectations are not shattered all around us.
I encourage all of you to think about what it is that you actually want to say before you say it. Ask the question that you need the answer to, not skirting around it.
Not, “Are you busy on Friday?” But, “Are you available to come to dinner with me on Friday?” Ask your direct question, speak your direct truth and life will get much easier.
Please book a mind shift call with me. I’d love to hear from all of you and let’s have a chat. A specific chat to find out what’s missing in your life right now. What is it that you can’t quite put your finger on that is causing you that lack of abundance in all of its forms on a daily basis?
Join the Women Being Seen and Heard Facebook group. Please introduce yourselves in the group and send me a private message and book a mind shift call so that we can have a chat and see how we can best work together.