Relationship Reset

In long term relationships, arguing and having disagreements doesn’t mean that your relationship is falling apart. 

It just means that you have a few things to work out. 

And the longer that you are with someone, the more apparent these things seem to be because the same disagreements keep happening.

There are a multitude of possible relationship problems from trust issues, to children, but most can be resolved by learning how to communicate effectively with your partner.

Maybe you have different sex drives. 

Certainly, if you’ve been together a long time, hormonally a woman is going to change a lot. From getting pregnant to breastfeeding to perimenopause to menopause, and afterwards, that’s a lot of physical shifting going on which also effect emotions. I think men also have their own hormonal shifts during that time. 

Depending on what’s going on in your life, sometimes you crave lots of sex, and sometimes you don’t, it doesn’t mean that suddenly you’re not attracted to your partner anymore. It’s just that you’re on a different page for a little while and that needs to be navigated. 

The tension may not even be about sex if you believe that sex is how your partner shows you that s/he loves you.  When you understand your hidden motivation and take the expectation off of your partner to “make you feel okay” your relationship takes on much more depth and understanding.

People feel shame about going to couples therapy because they think that forms a judgment about their relationship. But that’s not the case. 

Couples therapy is investing in your relationship so that you can prevent any subconscious sabotage techniques from seeping in unawares.

It’s being smart in your relationship. Just like you invest in a gym membership to keep your fitness and physique healthy. You need to invest in your relationship to keep that going smoothly. 

Maybe you’re going through a boring phase of life, but that doesn’t necessarily have to reflect on your partner. We want to avoid falling into the roommate phase where you’re just simply coexisting with each other.

This could just be an indication that you need to up your personal excitement level, discover what fuels you, what makes you feel passionate and interested? Or indeed find a common interest with your partner.

Re-discovering each other is fun if you know how to communicate effectively together in the first place. Think about how you want to redesign your life together. 

We have hidden belief systems around marriage and what it means to us and what we witnessed and experienced as children depending on what our parents went through. 

And it’s important to communicate those feelings and fears with our partners, because it’s up to us to change the way that we want to move forward. 

It’s our choice to break the chains of our past to create a new energy for our future. 

And then, of course, each of us has our own traumas or annoying or possibly even toxic traits, if you want to call it that. 

Things about our partner that annoy us, but usually, somehow, we attract people who can be a mirror for the unhealed parts of ourselves. 

The shadow parts don’t always reflect directly in the same way. But the reason why we get into relationships is so that we can feel safe with the person that we love the most so that we can heal the hardest parts of ourselves, free from judgement, free from shame, free from people, like your partner, projecting all of their stuff onto you, free from blame so that you’re in a safe space to work it out together. In an ideal situation.

There are different schools of thought about going to bed angry. 

Like, don’t go to bed angry. 

However, maybe you do need to sleep on it for a while. 

I would say don’t go to bed uncommunicative. 

Even if you can’t find a resolution before you go to sleep, at least communicate with your partner civilly and agree to sleep on it and discuss it further tomorrow when you both have clearer heads and are out of the eruption zone. 

Money sometimes is a big block in a relationship just like how we’ve witnessed our parents relationship that’s going to

shine on how we think marriage is supposed to be, and money is the same thing. 

We all have our own money story. So you need to understand what your partner’s relationship with money is. 

If it’s different than what yours is, you’ve got to discover how you’re going to find the win-win. You’ve got two brains, two hearts, eight limbs. There’s got to be a win-win instead of a compromise where one person is not winning. 

And being brave and vulnerable with each other so that you can talk about that childhood wounding – those needs that weren’t met for whatever reason. 

Wounding doesn’t even have to be a major thing. It can just be a freeze frame moment, a feeling that you keep going back to from childhood or a repeating trigger that keeps surfacing.

In a committed relationship you’re with your best person in the world to work through anything with and of course when you do work through these things together that is how you grow together. 

You form a bond like a confidante, that you don’t have as deeply with anyone else that you know. 

Your partner that sees all parts of you and celebrates your joy with you, even if they are not in a space of joy. 

Your partner who always has your back even if they don’t agree with you. 

Your partner who always gives you the benefit of the doubt and is open to discuss what isn’t working. 

When you have that kind of connection, then the hard days aren’t so hard and the amazing days are much more amazing.

You liked that person enough to get with them in the first place. So how honest are you going to be with yourself and with your partner and how important is it to you that you continue to grow and develop together so that you can see the potential of what the two of you together can create?

I’m launching Relationship Reset a 6 month program for couples to take their relationship to the next level.

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